Merry Antichristmas
Ah, Christmas. My least favorite holiday. Call me a Grinch (who was always a more interesting character than Santa anyway). I suspect the reason I don't care for Christmas - other than its revolting mercantilism and pretensions of Christian piety - is that I don't possess the reservoir of nostalgia for it most people build up during their childhoods, never having celebrated it in our Jehovah's Witness household. So blame it on the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society, why dontcha.

Also, it seems like on Christmas I'm always a) staying with the in-laws and being forced to make polite conversation, or b) wandering in depressing solitude through a city that's had all life drained out of it by the vampire touch of Saint Nick.

Regarding that last, I'd like to point out that Satan and Santa are the same person. Consider:

1) The similarity of the names! Switch the last two letters, and there you go. If this were a Harry Potter novel, it'd be a dead giveaway.

2) They're both big and red.

3) They both preside over cruel underworlds. (The elves are in hell.)

4) Santa is known as Saint Nick. Satan is known as Old Nick. Coincidence? I think not.

5) They both have evil laughs. ("'Ho ho ho!' the Devil boomed as he cast another screaming soul into the lake of fire.")

Happy... hellidays! (Cackles like the Crypt Keeper.)